Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
