this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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