I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
What drink are we having for lunch?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
