I looked at my own cervix.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
