Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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