turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
