Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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