A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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