I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
