She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
