If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
