The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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