First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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