remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
