i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
