Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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