I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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