The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
