Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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