u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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