at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
