Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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