So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
