I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
