i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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