All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
