Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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