I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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