What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Randomize
