Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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