I CAN MOONWALK!
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
