yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
