i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
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You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
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I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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