smell my finger.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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