well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
