Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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