I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
