I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
