I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
