the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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