Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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