Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
