I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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