By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize