I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
what day is it and did you see me today?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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