The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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