Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
In other news, I just burned my penis
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
