I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
