someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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