I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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