the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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