You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
