actually, I'm a sock model
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
