Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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