My sheets look like a crime scene.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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