I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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