I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
