The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
