I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
